I hope you are well, and enjoying the last days of summer. I just moved my youngest daughter into her college apartment. I have been feeling a mix of emotions between missing her and the inevitability of getting older.
I have a question…do you feel really heard when you talk? Nope, me neither. Before I complain, I’m not always the best listener myself. Sometimes I’m impatient, or thinking of how I’m going to respond. Or maybe I’m a know-it-all, telling everyone what they “need” to do.
Good, healthy communication is vital to relationships. That’s why my husband and I decided to present a couple’s workshop on communication last weekend. It went over well, so I thought I’d share with you. These tips can be used in any relationship (kids, spouse, boyfriend) so DO TRY THIS at home!
5 Tips for healthy communication:
1. Make it a practice to call on the Holy Spirit first when communicating. STOP, THINK and PRAY. We cannot do difficult things on our own strength. Counting to 10 before responding to an antagonistic remarks can be really helpful.
2. Be kind in your speech. Communication is 7% Words, 38% Tonality, 55% Body Language. Are your arms crossed? Does your facial expression show tenderness or annoyance?
Extend kind words even when they don’t deserve it (are they tired, hungry, preoccupied? Would a simple hug diffuse anger?)
Give positive affirmation for their parenting, breadwinning, housekeeping, attractiveness; whatever it is you are proud of. Express gratitude for the things they do.
3. Listen Actively
Move away from distractions. Put that phone down or close the laptop. Relationships are more important than whatever you are looking at. (The exception is, if you are engaged in work, ask if you can have 15 min or whatever to finish up so you can give your full attention)
Move closer or lean forward and keep good eye contact.
Nod or interject “yes” or “uh huh”, and nod your head.
Smile or frown in sympathy with what is being said.
Keep posture open, facing partner, arms uncrossed.
Don’t interrupt and don’t be a fixer. Bite your tongue!
Seek to understand – ask questions and be curious. Get into the details, like you’re solving a mystery
4. Validate feelings.
Use with difficult conversations or disagreements.
ASK, “What is your most pressing issue?” Now completely listen. No interrupting allowed.
Reflect back what they said, “What I think you said is _____.
Did I get that right? If not, patiently start over until you get it right.
Once you get the main issue, validate that their emotions are understandable, ex. “I would feel so angry if that happened to me. That’s not fair.” Or, “I understand why you feel hurt.”·
ASK, “Is there anything else?” Patiently wait for it, and repeat above steps.
ASK, “Is there anything I can do to help?”
DON’T talk down to them or try to fix the problem by imposing your opinions and don’t assume your advice is wanted and try not to judge.
DON’T minimize feelings by telling them to calm down, not worry or that they’re over-reacting.
If the issue is with YOU, try to regulate your own emotions if you feel yourself getting triggered (pause and breathe, think soothing thoughts, half smile).
LOSING IT? Ask to take a break (other person should honor that request) Schedule a time to come back to discussion within 24 hours.
LOST IT ALREADY? Quickly apologize and repair. Validate kernels of truth about yourself that may be true about your behavior.
ex.,”After all the times you’ve asked me not to give advice, I can understand why you’re angry that I just gave you advice.”
Be vulnerable. Ex.“I’m sorry, now that I understand how you feel, I feel guilty for saying that. I should have known better.”
5. Lose the battle, win the war.
Be the first to apologize – call on God’s help for this. There is strength in humility!
Keep the big picture in mind…a great relationship!
“The tongue is a fire. It exists among our members as a world of malice, defiling the whole body and setting the entire course of our lives on fire….no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison…. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing.” – James 3:6